Word of the day: Queerplatonic

Ahhh right, I just looked at the rest of the conversations you’re having. Kay! You enjoy your snarking, I reckon it’s pretty well-deserved.

Yeah, I think we basically agree on most of this stuff, and yeah, there almost certainly is a better word. If homo-romantic asexual folks who started using that kind of term, I’d probably be on their side in the inevitable semantic flamewar, but other than that, yeah, there’s plenty of words out there, and if this stuff’s getting decided on Tumblr nowadays then they could just as easily steal vocabulary from Homestuck as from the LBGT folks here.

… Now, we’re probably both nitpicky kind of people who could spend forever talking about this, so if you’re not interested then let me know and I’ll give you the last word here. But, what’s always bothered me about giving ‘queer’ that level of specificity is that in the sense you’re using it it’s been about effeminate and transvestite men for almost all of its history. First written record in a letter about Oscar Wilde’s trial, then consistently used alongside words like ‘pansies’ and ‘fairies’ and all kinds of campy-femme words that I don’t very hear very many cis women using about themselves. Checking it out online right now, the OED doesn’t cite it in use about women having alternative sexualities until the late 80s, and while I’m not quiiite pedantic enough to go and check I’m pretty sure Phillip Green and a fair number of other fairly-literary British writers were still calling bachelors of all sexes queer for living alone. Yeah, it’s not as freighted a slur in that sense, but yeah like you I don’t feel like it’s possible to claim the word back in its full original force as a cis and gender-normative woman. The difference is, I think it’s still worth claiming it and redefining it, because I’m an naive word-geek who thinks creating new senses for words is a great way to do useful activist work.

‘But I wonder if this is a phenomena exclusive to asexual women, or if it’s something that’s endemic to women as a whole?’ Iiiii phrased my comments on that badly. Yes I do think it’s endemic. Further to that I also think the way power dynamics work in heterosexual relationships means that asexual women participating in them are especially vulnerable to abuse. That’s my impression, and I’m not going to debate this because it is just my own impression and I don’t know enough sexual women in the age group to compare. But, I started out as a fairly angry cynical feminist and was still really shocked by ubiquitous and severe abuse in sexual-dude/asexual-woman relationships is.

Wow, I sure ended that commentary on a high note. Happy Valentines day, internet-stranger, I got you some Serious Business. I sure hope you enjoy it and how it talks about homophobia and sexual abuse for like four paragraphs :|

Happy Valentine’s Day indeed! (But no, seriously! Happy Valentine’s Day!)
As for the snarking, I try to keep it fairly reined in. I hate losing my temper, I always feel so guilty after.

As it so happens, I’m really enjoying our chat; it’s fun to bounce ideas off of people and see the conclusions you can both reach. (Obviously, I should probably find a new hobby!)

And see, I agree with you. If the homo-romantic aces said “I want this word to include me”, then I would be like, “Sure, awesome, no problem”, because whether they’re having sex or not, the homo part of the “homo-romantic” aspect is the important one. I think we can agree that it’s a little wonky, though, when someone who will probably not experience a lot of queerbashing in their lifetime (heterosexuals, hetero-romantics) tries to apply the word queer to themselves.
I mean, hetero-but-celibate has a long and illustrious tradition in the Western world (what with religious groups, religious abstainers, ‘chastity’ movements and all that). I would argue that “I am celibate” is still more accepted than “I am queer”.
As for the term—precisely! It’s the internet. There’s millions of people from all of the nations of the planet come together—- and with all that combined knowledge, people came up with ‘queerplatonic’?

To be honest, I’m a little disappointed.
It lacks poetry.
But that’s neither here nor there. I wouldn’t have a problem if people wanted to call their relationships zucchini or dhwiuehdjkshkss or kittensquishes, so long as the term isn’t appropriative. But I truly don’t understand why the creation of the queerplatonic term was even necessary—doesn’t Platonic Life Partner have the same connotation of an intense, devoted friendship, without needlessly appropriating a reclaimed slur?

Platonic Life Partner can fit anyone, without cutting anyone out. I think it’s honestly a fairly elegant solution to a thorny problem. But that’s just me.

Not having done much research into the prevalence of sexual abuse specifically surrounding asexuals, I will bow to your experience in the area. I’m a sort of cynic, so I imagine that it would be fairly high—but then again, being a cynic, I wonder if a casual abuse of the power dynamic isn’t more prevalent in het relationships, simply because of the potential for power disparities?

And thank you, stranger! It was a lovely Valentine’s Day present—I love responding to stuff, even really horrible stuff. I do hope you have a happy Galentine’s or Valentine’s or Get-Drunk-and-Cry-into-a-bowl-of-cereal Day!